Day-by-Day of a Person Suffering from Depression

This excerpt was written my second night in the hospital. Really made me ponder that night. Asked a lot of questions. And I have no answers. But maybe that is what this journey is about. The unexpected. The unknown. The unpredictable. I have a lot of questions, still. No answers, yet.

My Greatest Fear- January 12, 2016

"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict" ­- Jim Morrison

I feel very safe and comfortable here at the hospital. I still have my bad thoughts thought about things, but I feel I am in the right place, getting the proper help.

My fear is simple, in my mind, but maybe complicated to others. What's next for me? When I get discharged, what happens? Do I just go back home, stay medicated and hope for the best? What about Nash? I fear he is going to grow up without his dad, regardless of what everyone tells me. I know in my mind it is going to be very hard to see him at times. What life am I providing him with? Will I ever get my family back in order?

One of two things will or are going to happen. Things work out with my family and we have a fairy tale ending. Or, which is the harder of the two, we raise our child as separated parents. I wish I could see into the future. To see if that is what is best for us and Nash. I don't think it is.

If we stay separated, how do I continue life here in Yarmouth given my illness? If I am to meet someone, will they be afraid of my illness? I got a sense people are scared of me while I am ill. Fear of no one loving me as a partner. They be in fear if things didn't work out, how would I react? Would I go into a deeper depression? Secondly, how would I handle her moving on? This is all a very trying life experience for me. I am scared of it as well. I feel this illness destroyed my family. Our family. I also believe this illness is preventing us from getting our family back. If that is true, what hope is there for me to find someone else, knowing I deal with depression? Do I just walk up to a girl and say, "Hey, I am TJ, I am 29 and I have depression"? Not a great opening line. If the mother of my child won't accept me, than who will? Could be a lonely life.

Speaking of which, I really want to come out and speak about my illness publicly. With the job I have in Yarmouth, being a public job where 1000 people show up to my workplace, I feel it may be best to come with the truth and be transparent. I don't want people speculating or assuming. Also, I want to create awareness that it is an illness, just like any other sickness. I am being treated, being looked after. No different than someone with diabetes or another disease. People don't hide diabetes, do they? I read the most at risk group for Mental Illness is 16-24 age bracket. That is a the age group I work with directly, on a daily basis. I think I can do some real good for people; especially young hockey players. If I am given the green light from the doctor, I will publicly make an announcement. It is a long road ahead of me, but I want to be candid and upfront with it. I accept I suffer from Depression. So should everyone else.

Understanding Hate

During my time in the hospital, I saw a dictionary in the bookshelf. I picked it up. I began to read. I am a very educated young man with a University degree. Loved school. Always did. I guess it is human nature to love something you're good at. One thing I am not good at is knowing the meaning of words. My vocabulary is very small and not intelligent at all. I get by with what I know. I was too closed off from the world and ignorant to take time to understand what words like 'compassion', 'empathy', and 'affinity'. My research has concluded the following; Compassion means pity or sympathy (feeling for another in pain). Empathy is the power of understanding, imaginatively entering into another's feeling. Affinity is natural liking; resemblance; chemical attraction.

One word I didn't look up was hate. We all know what hate is, don't we? During my illness and reflection period, hate is a word I thought I understood. Not sure if I do. Is it a feeling? Do I feel hate? What does it feel like? Or, rather, is it learned or taught? For example, rival families like the Montague's and Capulet's? Were they born with hate in them? Am I a hateful person? Does depression make me feel hate? Or did I learn it? Or do I even know what it means?

Hate. Hate is defined as to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility towards. (Dictionary.com). Now I know the meaning. So, now do I decide if I want to hate or do I let my feelings decide? I cannot answer that. I know what I hate. I hate me. Everything about me. I 'feel extreme hostility towards' myself. I have for years. Every aspect of me, I hate. The worst part is, I know everything I hate about myself, but I continued on. Hate is easier. Love hurts. That's how mental illness can affect someone and the people around them.

Hate can be both taught and felt. But why teach myself to hate? Well, is hate more bearable than being hurt? If I teach myself to hate, what am I going to teach my son? Do I teach him to hate others because of some silly reason or dispute? I stop and think. Who or what do I hate, I ask myself? Some things come to mind. Part B of the question. Why TJ? Why do I hate some things? What reasons do I have? I pause. ....still paused. Stop thinking. Start feeling. There's no hate in me. Not anymore. Hate, no. Jealousy? Yes!

I wonder how many people confuse the words? "I hate Bob down the road because he has a bigger house?" Hate a person because they have a better house? Come on, TJ. "I am jealous of Bob because he has a bigger house." No need to hate someone because they have something more than me. I think, we use 'hate' for 'jealous'. I remember being in school. Having a schoolboy crush on a girl. Someone looks at me and asks, "Are you jealous?" Inside, I am saying yes. But outside I say, "No, but I hate her boyfriend." Of course I am jealous. He is with the one I love. Why do I hide it? Jealousy is a deep feeling that cuts even deeper. So painful. The worst. Can't teach that. That's a pure feeling like love.  Can I create a defense mechanism against jealousy? Not sure. I guess using the word hate instead helps. I don't feel the hate, but anything is better than feeling the pain of jealousy.

In order to love others, you must love yourself first. It's not selfish. Loving yourself first gives you the feeling of love, and only then, you can share that with others. In order to love yourself, you must be honest with yourself. Bad or good. You are what you are. For example, I am going to do a self-assessment of myself. Physically, I am 6'02, and about 200 pounds. I have been complimented on my blue eyes before. I have a big nose, and I don't like my lips. I have bad hair when it is long, but I can live with my appearance. I will never be on the cover of a magazine, but that's OK by me. I am beginning to perceive myself as a beautiful person. It's not easy, but I am working on it. I lost my smile. Right now, that's gone. I am looking for it, but it is hiding in a dark place now. I used to be funny. Not anymore. I would always try to make people laugh. It was to hide my tears. That's it. I don't know what else I like about myself. It`s under construction. I am trying to get better. Good enough is not good enough anymore for me.

The point of my entry today was to demonstrate that we need to stop hating and start loving. Who cares if we are jealous of someone. We all felt that way before. Nothing to be ashamed of. It`s a feeling like happiness, sadness, anger, or excitement. Funny how life is. Why do we express our nice feelings like love, joy, and excitement and hide the `so-called` bad ones like sadness, jealousy, and anger? Feelings are natural. It is time to stop hiding them. Let them come out naturally. I remember watching Con-Air. Action movie. I like Nicholas Cage. Huge John Malkovich fan. Anyways, the last scene when Cage finally gets to his family with the song, "How do I live", by LeAnn Rimes playing in the background. I tear up every time. Imagine, a 6'02, 200 lbs., athletic man who can handle himself, tearing up to an action movie scene. That's not right, is it? Am I weak or soft? Nope. I have a heart. It's a beautiful scene and song. It will be played at my wedding. 

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith