Day-by-Day of a Person Suffering from Depression

This excerpt was written my second night in the hospital. Really made me ponder that night. Asked a lot of questions. And I have no answers. But maybe that is what this journey is about. The unexpected. The unknown. The unpredictable. I have a lot of questions, still. No answers, yet.

My Greatest Fear- January 12, 2016

"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict" ­- Jim Morrison

I feel very safe and comfortable here at the hospital. I still have my bad thoughts thought about things, but I feel I am in the right place, getting the proper help.

My fear is simple, in my mind, but maybe complicated to others. What's next for me? When I get discharged, what happens? Do I just go back home, stay medicated and hope for the best? What about Nash? I fear he is going to grow up without his dad, regardless of what everyone tells me. I know in my mind it is going to be very hard to see him at times. What life am I providing him with? Will I ever get my family back in order?

One of two things will or are going to happen. Things work out with my family and we have a fairy tale ending. Or, which is the harder of the two, we raise our child as separated parents. I wish I could see into the future. To see if that is what is best for us and Nash. I don't think it is.

If we stay separated, how do I continue life here in Yarmouth given my illness? If I am to meet someone, will they be afraid of my illness? I got a sense people are scared of me while I am ill. Fear of no one loving me as a partner. They be in fear if things didn't work out, how would I react? Would I go into a deeper depression? Secondly, how would I handle her moving on? This is all a very trying life experience for me. I am scared of it as well. I feel this illness destroyed my family. Our family. I also believe this illness is preventing us from getting our family back. If that is true, what hope is there for me to find someone else, knowing I deal with depression? Do I just walk up to a girl and say, "Hey, I am TJ, I am 29 and I have depression"? Not a great opening line. If the mother of my child won't accept me, than who will? Could be a lonely life.

Speaking of which, I really want to come out and speak about my illness publicly. With the job I have in Yarmouth, being a public job where 1000 people show up to my workplace, I feel it may be best to come with the truth and be transparent. I don't want people speculating or assuming. Also, I want to create awareness that it is an illness, just like any other sickness. I am being treated, being looked after. No different than someone with diabetes or another disease. People don't hide diabetes, do they? I read the most at risk group for Mental Illness is 16-24 age bracket. That is a the age group I work with directly, on a daily basis. I think I can do some real good for people; especially young hockey players. If I am given the green light from the doctor, I will publicly make an announcement. It is a long road ahead of me, but I want to be candid and upfront with it. I accept I suffer from Depression. So should everyone else.